You Were Just A Character In My Well-Imagined Story

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“You’re a writer, an artist and you’re probably just using him as your muse.”

These are words by my friend, Beatriz G. when I told her about something that has been bothering me a lot lately. Her words haunted me ever since. Never in the years that I have waited for someone, did I imagine that my love for writing would be the very reason that I would let him go. My close friends know how much I liked him. I could not imagine being with someone else but him. People would tell me that it is a pity. I insist, it’s not. 
                Long years passed and nothing has changed. I started questioning myself. How long could I wait? I mean, can anybody really wait forever? I kept on weighing things. Would I really be happy if I get to be with him in the end or would I be regretful for the time I have wasted waiting for him? Is he worth the wait or should I just stop?
                I asked my friends about my dilemma. Of all the answers I heard, there are two answers that struck me the most. One is that I am just plainly afraid to commit to any relationship. I am not ready. It is why I don’t give other people the chance to make me happy. I always say that I am waiting for someone but the truth is I am not and I am just not ready yet. Waiting for someone is just a cover to hide my fear of falling in love. I fear that I would get hurt. I fear that I could not handle it.
                The second one is something that opened my eyes onto a whole new perspective about my situation. Once, I said that he inspired me to continue writing. It is what made me admire him more. But I was stunned by what Beatriz told me about him –  being just a muse for my art. Everything that happened between me and him came back to me and I realized how true Beatriz’s words are. Maybe it was all a product of my imaginative mind. Maybe I really don’t feel the way I feel.
                As much as I was enlightened by what my friends told me, many questions rushed into my head too. How could I let go of someone who I have been missing for so long? What if he is the one for me after all?  Am I willing to sacrifice more years of waiting? Because to be honest, I know for a fact that I am only holding on to a thin thread and it could be torn anytime. I have the slightest hope that one day, I can hear him say the words I have always wanted to hear.
                But if fate dictates that we are not meant to be together, then I have to accept it. As a writer, I have always been in favor of happy endings. I guess this is how my own story goes. He will just be a muse to my art and never will he become my reality. 


(Photo: After Movie)

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