- Your Melrae Shanice ♥
Early morning of March 20, 2021, I got a call that changed my life forever.
“Anak, kailangan mo na umuwi. Wala na si Mama,” my mother said over the phone.
My grandmother passed away peacefully in her sleep that day. For a good second, I was speechless. At the back of my mind, I was still trying to figure out if it was a dream. The only thing I was able to utter was,
"Mommy, ayaw ko. Ayaw ko. Ayaw ko." I didn't want that day to happen. But it came. I didn't want to come home, only to see my dearest Mama gone.
Imagine the horror of waking up one day and the first thing you hear is the news of a loved one passing away. An overwhelming pain filled my heart. I felt my body turn numb and I just cried my eyes out. I wished it wasn’t real. Just like everyone else, I wished it was just a bad dream.
A few years back, I shared about the changes I had to face when Mama Onsay suffered stroke. This time, I am writing this because my life truly has changed.
And I am broken… beyond repair.
My Lola raised me. My whole life, I’ve been with her. I felt special and comfortable growing up because I have her. Some perks you get when you are a major Lola’s girl. She is my favorite person and I would always get emotional talking about her. After all, she’s both my strength and weakness.
Now that she's gone, people ask me how I’m doing, how I’m coping. I honestly do not know what to answer.
"I'm okay" is my default answer to everything. That or silence. I spent the past 122 days acting as if I'm handling life well. Pretending came naturally.
I’ve always known that this day would come and believe me, I’ve tried to come to terms with it. But it still hit me like a ton of bricks. All of a sudden, I’ve lost the motivation to do the things I love, to be happy, to carry on.
After her funeral, it was a struggle. I had to appear strong, to appear as if everything was fine. I tried to avoid conversations about her because I know I'd cry. I would definitely cry. And lately, I realized I was trapped in a constant cycle of being chatty and then just being completely indifferent. I was lost. I can’t for the life of me fathom what to do now.
How do I face a world without Mama Onsay?
My grandmother served as my inspiration for as long as I can remember but now that she was taken away from me, I feel inconsolable. All these years, I’ve been asking for God’s forgiveness because I feel like I was being selfish for constantly asking for more time with Mama even when she was already weak. Now that she’s in heaven, all I pray is that God would tell Mama that I still say “I love you” and “Good night” to her every night. I ask God to tell her not to worry about me because I will take care of myself like she would always tell me.
Well… The truth is I’m having a very difficult time. I can’t seem to know what to do with my life. I feel empty.
There are still many things that I want to do for her. The thought of not being able to do that anymore hurts me in more ways than one.
I kick myself every day because I could have probably done more when she was here. This pandemic has snatched away moments that I could have been with Mama.
I keep asking myself: was I able to do enough? Was I able to tell her I love her enough?
I sincerely hope she knows how much she was loved so that at the very least, I could take comfort from it.
I love my Lola with my whole heart and I know how much she loved me too. But now I am scared that no one will ever love me the way she did. I love Mama so much that even if it hurts me everyday to think that I won’t see her again, that I won’t hear her voice again, I will keep on loving her like she's just here.
I do not know how long I would spend grieving and hurting but if this is the price I have to pay for loving her this much, then let me suffer from the pain.
This pain will keep reminding me of my love for her that will remain unspent. I don’t want the pain to go away because I don’t want to forget how much I’ve loved her in this life.
My Lola, my love, and now, my angel, I will shed tears for you until it hurts less one day.
So, let me grieve for you. Let me be sad.
Until then, please, help me. Watch over me. Be patient with me.
I know you will because that’s what you’ve always done for me.
I miss you more than I can say.
I miss you in ways no one will ever understand.
Nice loves you very much, Mama. Eternally.
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