It's Nice talking

"Two questions: What is your name? Can I please have your phone number?" "Abbey. And I thought you'd never ask." Does anyone else know this song by Joey Fatone from the 2001 film, "On The Line"? The movie was... yes. But the song! Still bummed this isn’t on Spotify yet. I watched the film, but this song has been stuck in my head ever since. The romantic in me is just squealing. "Nothing is certain, this I know. Wherever we're headed, I'm ready to go." ♡♡♡

So listen, because this is what I need to say. You took what you wanted, treated me as something to shape and use, pulled the worst from places in me I did not know could darken. Again and again, you proved that the whispers about you were not whispers at all, but truths with sharp edges. Selfish. You move through the world like it belongs to you alone, grasping, bending, taking, morals twisted into whatever form lets you sleep at night. You do as you please, leave wreckage like footprints, and call it living. And I— I carry a hatred that hums in my bones, heavy and constant as breath, as blood, as the only honest thing left in me. Still, I will not curse you. I will not ask the world to be kinder than you were. I only wish you the future that fits you, cut precisely to your measure, stitched for a man exactly as you are. And know this— I hate you with everything that I am.

Sitting in silence, I watched the waves. So calming, yet my mind is composing words that I want to jot down once I get home. Now I understand what “you, me, we’re face to face but we don’t see eye to eye” means.  Or Lang Leav’s words, “You’re too close to me, my love. You’re missing everything.” With the hope to make new memories that you and I will only remember, I hate to think that I’d be a substitute for a better memory you want to reminisce.  I’m right here. But I feel as though I am one of the passersby you will forget once you leave this paradise.  For once, I don’t want to feel happy with the crumbs of happiness I get.  I want to feel happy, completely, freely, unguilty. 

This is a rant I have nowhere else to put. If you’re reading this, hello, welcome.  I’m dealing with so much nonsense that I can’t even pinpoint what’s upsetting me anymore. To all the selfish hearts and deceitful tongues, may you feel the weight of your own lies. Just... better days. That's all I'm asking.  Not everyone sees this post, but if you happen to, please leave a kind message. Because even small reminders of care make the BS a little lighter.

Sometimes I think about how long I could endure things. How long am I going to pretend that everything is okay when I spend nights crying myself to sleep? What would it take for me to snap out of a world that I created in my mind? Why is it so difficult to get out of a situation that I willingly got myself into? With every single reason to walk away. Finding out things that would have crushed anyone else. But I stayed. Really, “admirable” is not even the right word for it. Dumb, maybe? I kick myself every day for this.  For what? For something that won’t even last? But nothing does, anyway. 

Here’s to the people we wish we've never crossed paths with, the lessons we never asked for, but needed.