When the shy girl took up Communication Arts for college

Hi.

I'm seventeen and I'm on my second year in college. Back then, I was known to be a really really really shy girl. So reserved. So 'unapproachable'-looking. So scary.
I am fully aware of that fact although I try to deny it sometimes. During my grade school, my teachers would tell my grandma, "Oh yes, she's really bright but she's too shy. She doesn't even try to recite and talk." Yep! I do that. Not bragging but I've been a constant honor student since I was a kid (no, not the valedictorian). But I excel in the written parts of the academe. NO TO SPEAKING. My teachers would always say that I could actually beat *insert name here* if I do a lot of talking but heck, that's a big no no. I have no clue why am I like this. It's not that I don't talk at all. I do. I really do talk. I can be a real nagger sometimes and a story machine to my friends, the closest ones (I only have few then, anyway).The are few reasons why I don't recite or talk a lot in school, first because of the "spotlight feeling". You know that feeling when your name is called and everyone's eyes on you as if looking at every detail they can see on you. They give you that 'can-you-really-answer look' which is why I tend to say an instant no or 'I'm sorry, I don't know' even if sometimes I really know the answer. I'm just too scared that they might 'judge' me and my precious little answer. Second is the "talk show feeling" which makes me feel that if I answered the question, the teacher would ask follow-up questions and the whole thing would turn out to be a talk show between me and my teacher, so I'd rather not answer. Last and the most reasonable one is that I just plainly don't know the answer. I mean, I don't know everything, I may be an honor student but I don't know the answers to all the questions they ask. Guessing is not really my thing so I don't try guessing the answer too.
Don't get me wrong, I do recite. RARELY though. I just raise my hand when I definitely and surely know that my answer's correct. Some would say that I'm just being passive and that I don't even have the balls to try. You're right, I don't. HAHA!

And here comes college, man, college, bloody college.

So, during the second half of my senior year in high school, everybody has been busy working on their application and stuff. People would expect me to do the same but I don't feel like doing it. I still have no plans. Seems like I'm not ready yet. I just don't know what to do in the future. When they ask me what my plans were, I'd say I'm not really sure yet. Well, that is kinda weird for someone on the honor roll but I don't know, I guess I still have no dream that time.
Different universities came to our school to do some career orientations and school endorsement and other boring stuff. They even bribe the honor students with their merchandises so we'd enroll to their university. Some of my classmates were really psyched to see them especially the boys who were like "Man, *insert that famous basketball player's name here* on that school!" Yeah right. And we both know he won't probably know you even if you enroll. The guidance counselor would check on our class every now and then to ask our plans which is a little depressing because I still have none. But then, I applied on two universities. The ones nearest to my province. It's 3 hours away from home so of course, I have to live in a dormitory. I was considering to apply on the other universities which are 6-8 hours away from home but I know that my parents wouldn't allow me. Not a chance. Plus I don't like it there. I am a huge home person. I wanted to go home every weekend and I believe going home on weekends will be possible if I get into any of the two universities that is just 3 hours away. So, there you go, August, I applied to a very prestigious university. I'm not gonna say the name but it belongs to the 'big three' of the country and has no Monday classes (now you probably figured it out.) Only few students could pass the test so we were all stressed out after taking the exam. Believe me, the time pressure was no joke. I didn't have the chance to finish everything. I left some items on the last portion of the test unanswered. Bummer. By that, I believed that there is no chance of passing the test. None at all. I took a test on the other university around November. I've heard that most of the students passes the entrance exam of that university so I wasn't worried the way I was worried on the first test. After a month, the result of the first test I took came out. It was a surprise since we were informed that it will be out two months later. What was the result? DAMN, I PASSED. If I'm not mistaken, around 85 thousand took the test and only more or less 20 thousand passed. After knowing the result, I knew I'm just gonna ditch the other university since this is a very rare opportunity. I took the risk!

I thought everything's going smooth but then decision-making about the degree program I'm going to take came up! Heck, I'm still uncertain! I promised myself that I'm going to take a path which will lead me to the world of writing and the likes. So upon application I took COMMUNICATION ARTS. On both universities by the way.
Yes! The shy girl took up COMMUNICATION ARTS for college. Communication? Come on!!!!! I was out of my mind.
Everyone asked me why I took that. I told them that I'm going to focus on journalism and not speech so they need not to worry. They told me that taking up journalism is a very risky path since there were many news about journalists being killed nowadays. I believe they were being stereotypical. I was a bit discouraged about what they were saying. They'd say that my job after college will not be a well-compensated one.  My Dad even asked me if I wanted to change schools and take up Accountancy. Of course, I disagreed. I'm bad at numbers, Daddy. Thanks.

FIRST SEM. I thought it will be just a cool sem for me since we're freshies but I was so wrong. You have no idea how much I've cried. With all the adjustments and all. I have to live alone with no one to talk to, no friends yet and dang it, food! I missed home-cooked food. I have no choice but to fit in. I've been really lonely not only because I'm far from home but also because of the academic pressure. Things changed. I was culture-shocked. I became shy-er than ever.
   
I had a "Speech Communication" subject which is a required course. There is no escape. I was worried on another level! I kept thinking that I might fail on this subject! This course made me realize that there's no turning back now. I have to face it and fake it until I make it. Here comes terror. Every activity on that class was all about talking to an audience. I am shaking every time I enter the room. We had job interview, debate, demo speech and tons of reporting in class. Can you imagine? There were so much talking I have done. There wasn't a day that I kept on thinking how I might mess up. Seriously.
But just then I realized that I actually did it! Not noticing that I was able to finish it! I even had a high mark! I cannot believe it. I knew that was a good start for me. I still have years to face in the university. There are more activities and reporting I have to encounter so I still have to be nervous all the time and enjoy these moments as well.
It's not that I have totally overthrown my apprehension but let us say from to time to time I am able to really 'fake it until I make it'. You know what I mean? Speaking in front of a crowd is really nerve-wrecking but keep in mind that you just have to talk for like minutes and make those minutes as if you're a different person. A person that nobody knows. I did that. When I'm in front, I could not see anybody. Not literally but I just think that nobody's watching, that nobody's interested. My eyes go around the corners of the room but I cannot see any person at all. I don't know how I do that but it just happens to me whenever. I also tell myself that "Shanice, you just have to finish your part without doing anything crazy and you're done!" I remember one time when my professor even interrupted me while I was reporting because of my very inaudible voice. And I thought I was already speaking at the top of my lungs. She told me, "Hija, breathe. Come on. Louder." I took a deep breath but I don't think she was satisfied with my voice's volume. After the class, some of the upperclassmen approached me telling me how cute I was during the reporting. I was like, "You think that was cute? I thought I was shouting at everybody." They told me that when our professor asked me to make my voice louder, it didn't. It became higher instead. I was dumbfounded. Well, that was me anyway.
But no matter what the circumstances were, I'm glad that I've done it! Oh, wait, before I forget, faking it wouldn't do everything. One thing that helped me get through it is enjoying every moment. It's not enough aiming for the end, while you're on the way, while you're on the process, enjoy! You have to smile every now and then. After all, you're doing it for betterment's sake.

If you're done doing it, then you could reward yourself for a job well done. :)


Despite all these goody goody events, there's still one thing I still haven't overcame though. Recitation. Nope, until now, I'm still hesitant on reciting. The three feelings are still lurking within me. I don't know but I promised myself I can go through it maybe not now but someday! Let us all wish me luck on overcoming these feelings. Hahaha!

I hope you do too. :)