It's Nice talking

Sometimes I think about how long I could endure things. How long am I going to pretend that everything is okay when I spend nights crying myself to sleep? What would it take for me to snap out of a world that I created in my mind? Why is it so difficult to get out of a situation that I willingly got myself into? With every single reason to walk away. Finding out things that would have crushed anyone else. But I stayed. Really, “admirable” is not even the right word for it. Dumb, maybe? I kick myself every day for this.  For what? For something that won’t even last? But nothing does, anyway. 

Here’s to the people we wish we've never crossed paths with, the lessons we never asked for, but needed.

The Blind Spot in the Johari Window reveals how others perceive us in ways we may not be aware of. I always get excited when I receive letters because they allow me to see myself through the eyes of others, sometimes in ways I’ve never imagined.  I’d like to share with you one of the most recent letters I received, which truly moved me. The way I was described was something I had never seen in myself before. Thank you, Anne, for giving me this perspective.  "My Dearest Sezzy! I may not have all the time in the world but I want to use what little I've got to let you know how special you are and how much I appreciate you.  Thank you for always being patient with me sezzy and for loving me just the same even though most of the time you have to adjust or wait for me.  You love both so fiercely and patiently without expecting anything in return and I'll always admire you for that.  You also have a way of making people feel special and that's what makes you one of a ...

Last The clock ticks loud, louder A harsh truth, a beautiful lie A secret so sacred, no word to utter My prayer says I hope not sigh For every smile, every tear What a blur it is, what is real Held on 'til can no longer Spoke of riddles but not the truest feel Truth is what the soul only asks Carries a price and a broken heart These words shall be the last The end that was never a start

347 What else is there to do? 347, side, hide, glide Blinded by what is true To keep it in, I have tried Damn me, I played with fire My veins start to freeze in ice Melting in whim and ire Oh, through more seconds of lies To know more than one should Blame that silly, messy mind Pierce that weak soul, how shrewd Cast the fragile one behind Ran out of words to say Memorize these lips, this smile Story's fin on its way One page flipped as both beguile

Sometimes, in solitude, I read my previous journals (which all contain my unread letters for my Lola) just so I know if things have gotten worse or better. I read this particular entry, and looking back, things actually turned out fine. "Dear Mama, How long has it been since I last wrote to you? Ma, things are changing. Really fast. I don't even know if I'm making the right decisions anymore but I'm trying to stand my ground no matter how difficult it gets. Last year was truly challenging. It was a test of patience and integrity. And as usual, I had the urge to run away again, like I always do. Please tell me I'm still a good person. The perfect little girl you raised. I miss you. I really do. Tomorrow it's gonna be a new day. I'll be a student again. I hope I'll still do well. It's been such a long time and I feel lazy to study now. Hehe. Continue inspiring me and guiding me. I really need it now more than ever. I want to be stronger t...

I found this from my drafts. December 2022. These days, I'm constantly reminded of how easily people can put you aside for their own advantage. It really bugs me when I start thinking about it. It makes me believe I'm better off alone. Sure, having a friend who has your back would be nice, but it’s only a matter of time before you realize you're at the bottom of their list—not as special as you thought. You put others first, but when you need them the most, they can easily say no, reject you, and move on without a second thought. It’s easy for them to leave you unread, unreplied, and forgotten. Doesn’t feel good, does it? I guess this is something I need to learn: put myself first and accept being left out. It sucks, though, when you think you have that one person who’ll always understand, only to realize you're just anyone else to them. It’s hurtful and disappointing. What should I do? I have no idea. They’ll say it’s not their job to make you feel seen and v...