It's Nice talking

Sometimes, in solitude, I read my previous journals (which all contain my unread letters for my Lola) just so I know if things have gotten worse or better. I read this particular entry, and looking back, things actually turned out fine. "Dear Mama, How long has it been since I last wrote to you? Ma, things are changing. Really fast. I don't even know if I'm making the right decisions anymore but I'm trying to stand my ground no matter how difficult it gets. Last year was truly challenging. It was a test of patience and integrity. And as usual, I had the urge to run away again, like I always do. Please tell me I'm still a good person. The perfect little girl you raised. I miss you. I really do. Tomorrow it's gonna be a new day. I'll be a student again. I hope I'll still do well. It's been such a long time and I feel lazy to study now. Hehe. Continue inspiring me and guiding me. I really need it now more than ever. I want to be stronger t...

I found this from my drafts. December 2022. These days, I'm constantly reminded of how easily people can put you aside for their own advantage. It really bugs me when I start thinking about it. It makes me believe I'm better off alone. Sure, having a friend who has your back would be nice, but it’s only a matter of time before you realize you're at the bottom of their list—not as special as you thought. You put others first, but when you need them the most, they can easily say no, reject you, and move on without a second thought. It’s easy for them to leave you unread, unreplied, and forgotten. Doesn’t feel good, does it? I guess this is something I need to learn: put myself first and accept being left out. It sucks, though, when you think you have that one person who’ll always understand, only to realize you're just anyone else to them. It’s hurtful and disappointing. What should I do? I have no idea. They’ll say it’s not their job to make you feel seen and v...

"You said the sun can shine brightly because of the shadow. Even though they can't become one, the shadow is always there in the distance, so the sun is never lonely, and is able to shine." Was I born to become a shadow? A shadow for everybody. I don't like shining anyway. The attention will just drain me. But being in the shadow means you have to stay in such a dark place. A place that is rarely noticed. As lonely as that sounds, being in that place gives me peace. Something that I will never get if I choose to keep on shining or to be around those who like to shine the most. To tell you honestly, though, I'm so tired. Of explaining why I'd rather be who I am, of finding reasons why I am like this, and of hoping that people will understand. Because clearly, who would care about a shadow? I am sorry, I couldn't be like you. I am sorry, I can never become one with the sun. I'm okay being in the shadows as long as you are never lonely. Until the en...

It could be exhausting, isn't it? To be the one who gives more, to be someone who puts more effort. No matter how much you convince yourself that it is fine because you are doing it out of love, it will come to a point when you would feel as though all of what you have done were for nothing. When you are stuck in that constant cycle, it will drain you. You will end up thinking that the world is really just full of bull. I was warned though. "You have to learn how to be alone." I thought that was too harsh for a young girl to hear that time. But now, it seems to be the realest advice I could use as an adult. I once read that giving will let you receive more and that it is the best feeling in the world. IT IS. But when giving means people taking you for granted, maybe it is time you reconsider that you are probably giving out way too much, there's nothing left for yourself. So, to you who gives more than you get, slow down. May the universe let you meet that per...

“I’ve lost my faith in this broken system,” what a powerful line. I am sure you clicked on this because you were intrigued. I can already hear whispers as I write this. It is from a song by ONE OK ROCK called “Renegades.” Go ahead and listen to it. "But if we cry, is there anyone listening?" Let me know. “For all of the lies and the burden they put on us and all of that times they told us to, just because” Go listen. "We got a fight for our rights and the things that we love now." From this slave of a broken system, hello, please check out ONE OK ROCK. An incredible band. Taka's voice, wow. And before I face the fire again, here's the link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4n5bpeh5NNg

- Your Melrae Shanice ♥ THE SURFACE. That's what people often see. In this world where anyone can easily assume how others feel or think, I've always believed that only those who truly care will ever try to go beyond the surface. And even if I hold on to the slightest hope that someone actually cares, it ends up being another disappointment. But I'm not surprised. It's probably true, a part of me died with you. Days leading to the 20th, I could just sit myself and relive all the final moments I had with you. It puts me in a mood that I couldn't explain. People would say that you're happy and at peace wherever you are. But then again, I'm a selfish person. How about me? The one left behind? Lately, I feel like I've been punishing myself by seeing only my flaws and by thinking that I do not deserve to be happy. Without you here, happiness is a luxury that I couldn't afford. Because if I get too happy, the price might just be too diffi...