337 Days: Mama, if I had a choice, I'd be where you are

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- Your Melrae Shanice ♥
THE SURFACE.
That's what people often see. In this world where anyone can easily assume how others feel or think, I've always believed that only those who truly care will ever try to go beyond the surface. And even if I hold on to the slightest hope that someone actually cares, it ends up being another disappointment. But I'm not surprised. It's probably true, a part of me died with you. Days leading to the 20th, I could just sit myself and relive all the final moments I had with you. It puts me in a mood that I couldn't explain.
People would say that you're happy and at peace wherever you are. But then again, I'm a selfish person. How about me? The one left behind?
Lately, I feel like I've been punishing myself by seeing only my flaws and by thinking that I do not deserve to be happy. Without you here, happiness is a luxury that I couldn't afford. Because if I get too happy, the price might just be too difficult to handle again. That is the very reason why I miss you. I was at my happiest when you were here. I was your priority. I was so loved by you. And I never needed anybody else because I had you.
I never worried about being the best nor being anybody else's favorite because I had YOU. It was more than enough.
But now, it seems like I always have to find where to stand in everybody's lives. I often feel unappreciated that I think maybe what I do for them isn't enough? That maybe I'm just... inadequate. And it doesn't merit me the tiniest of their care.
Truth be told, it's exhausting. I can be surrounded by several people but still feel alone. But being alone suits me so well, I guess.
I find peace in empty rooms, in unoccupied seats, in being non-existent, and when it's just me — me and all my letters to you that will be left unread forever. Even when I wanted to, I couldn't just ask anyone, "Hey, do you want to hang out and feel unhappy with me?" Could I? Alone, I shall be.
No one will understand how much I yearn for you. I wish you'd come back. But what can I do?
All they see is the surface. That's the change I should learn to accept from now on. I am no longer anybody's priority. I am just another insignificant life on earth.
And until I meet you again, I shall continue figuring out what purpose is left for me to serve.
I miss you, terribly and I love you, extremely. While it isn't the time yet, for now, all I look forward to is seeing you again, nothing more.

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